Thursday, July 31, 2003

Lets Get Buck Naked and...

I am going to attempt to join Mr. Arndt's quest to make someone talk about Concordia's fucking naked ass performance stupid shit debate, but I am not sure it is going to work. My hope is that at least once a day someone will make a more or less explicit reference to taking your clothes off. I would imagine, as Pete and I were talking about and Katie had earlier conjectured, that the dot has comprised some sort of enforced silence policy about the whole incident.

I guess this makes sense in some respects. Apparently Fred took more than a little heat from the administration, and almost from the news media, about the whole event. Reasonably so of course, they should have gotten shit, dude fucking encouraged his collegeiate women to take their clothes off. He talked about it and approved of it, he got them fucking T-shirts. Its not like the ladies just decided to do this themselves and shit, that situation would be different. So I would imagine the whole motive behind the shut-up about the naked thing is to avoid the talk that they had received earlier and the possible bad reprecussions of such a decision on their program.

I do think its weird, however, that despite the fact that the two young women involved, at least one of whom has graduated, aren't talking about it at all. Wasn't the point supposed to be something about the way women are perceived. Wasn't the entire argument premised on the idea that people should react uncomfortably and question the idea of this naked performance. Obviously everyone wasn't going to get it, shouldnt you tell us about it or explain why it isnt the dumbest shit ever. Why the fuck did you even run this shit if you were just going to deny it 3 times before the Gary crowed.

I heard a further interesting story about the whole naked thing, though since any serious discussion about the issue is being avoided like the fucking plague, it hasnt really spread. In one of their naked debates Nikki and Sarah were debating the B team from Whitman, Beth Schuler and Dave Gidry (excuse the spell). These folks had been videotaping all their debates as many people do, especially in big situations like this. Well, they are all together prepping in the room and Dave (I believe he was in charge of the camera) is like, do you mind if I tape the debate. Though I know at least Nikki has been naked on camera several times in less formal fashion (ie: not debating, more intoxicated, and around more intimate acquaintences) I don't know that Sarah has. Regardless, it seems that neither of the two women really wanted to be naked on this dude's videotape. So they are like no.

The gentleman and possibly the gentle-woman from Whitman are like, dude, why not. I do not know the exact words or arguments they presented, but they were related to questions about elitism. Like, why is your argument so special we cant tape it and shit. I am not formulating this well, but I am tired and you get the general point. Apparently it becomes very obvious that Concordia is in a bad spot argumentatively if they do not agree to allow the debate to be videotaped. Concordia eventually loses this debate anyway (at least this is what I was told, I had heard earlier they won both of their nudie rounds) but the interesting thing is that there is apparently a tape of these women debating naked out there somewhere. I am surprised that this at least has not generated more discussion (I mean, at the very least, hasn't Andy Kemp been trying to obtain a copy).

Regardless, the lack of discussion about this is annoying, I hope someone sucks it up and addresses the issue. Don't drop your drawers if you won't defend it, its worse than being non-topical.



Tuesday, July 29, 2003

No Offense to the People Mentioned...

First, Gary Busey. I really really like this show, I think I have mentioned it before. I haven't come up with anything really profound to say about it. It is very very funny both because Adam is a gigantic dork and Busey is really crazy. I still have a hard time believing that he is not scripting himself out, like that it isn't some sort of redo of Denis Leary's fake reality show last summer. Dude has a new "abbreviation thing" every fucking episode that he has memorized in a fashion that at least appears to me to be genuine. He talks about normal things in his life (where he wants to go for food, what he did in Lethal Weapon, which I guess is normal for Gary Busey) in the same fashion that he says "relationship stands for...." and then whips it off like Michael J. Fox did with SCUBA back in the Family Ties days (self-contained underwater breathing apparatus).

Second, the Concordia Debate Institute is crazy. Lets play a little game here. Its like one of those questions where there are two columns of things and you match the items from one column to the items in the other column. Here are the columns:

very young high school kids with no debate experience moderately complicated arguments
high school seniors with extensive debate experience the most simplistic of arguments
junior varsity level debaters with moderate experiencce really complicated shit

I think its pretty obvious, even to those who don't know dick about asscock when it comes to the world of academic debate, which goes with which. This whole situation came up because what I have been told is Concordia's novice lab is writing some Zizek arg. I know I am a little egocentric about the whole Zizek thing, I feel that I understand him better than almost everyone in the debate community, if for no other reason than because its as close to a profession as I come. I think I should know it better than people who do lots of other shit all the time. All I do is philosophy and most of that is Zizek.

I don't want to degrade those people who try things which are out of their general skill level. The only way you can learn is to challenge yourself and shit. Nonetheless, you can only challenge yourself so far, I think its called like the "level of improvement" or some other stupid stuff that people teach you about in elementary education classes. I think that for almost every high school novice debater Zizek is outside of that level. The fact that Concordia is trying to write the argument with novices bothers me because it will only bolster the impression that Zizek is inaccessable. I don't give a fuck if people think Zizek is inaccessible in the context of debate (because, frankly, I am not sure how well it works there anyway) but it just pisses me off when people lump him in with people like Foucault or Derrida. Regardless of what you think of Zizek's writing there is no argument to be made that he is too esoteric, apolitical, or nihlistic. You can't read more than like two pages without running into something very explicit.

Katie and I just finished watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (it won out in the gay TV choice against a rerun of Will and Grace) and I was a little pissed off for two reasons. First, the gay cook guy kind of bothers me, because I can imagine being on this show and feeling like he was trying to make me look like an ignorant straight guy who doesn't know how to cook. I know that this dude is probably a legit chef who just happens to be gay and hence knows more about food than me, but regardless of my sexual orientation or any other statistic I know more about general cooking than most amateurs. I certainly do watch more of the Food Network. I have no reason to be mad at him, but still, its kinda weird and shit.

Secondly, the dude who was being remade on the show was proposing to his girlfriend. I really liked the dude for the most part he was hot and the new clothes they picked for him were excellent. Good guy overall. But then he decides to propose by putting the ring in this chocolate box and giving it to her. This is obviously a very strong way to propose to someone, but it so ripped me off. I know I am not the first person in history to incorporate the ring inside of chocolate somehow, but I feel that if you are going to do it you better either come up with it without the help of five gay stylist people or it better be ridiculous. This was just a ring inside a chocolate box, I happen to think the ring appearing to be a gigantic chocolate is even better. Its not like Katie was ridiculously surprised that I proposed, but she didnt know that was a ring until she got inside the shell. This Armenian chick on the show had it figured out early.

There, that is enough complaining about people who don't actually affect my life. At least it prevents me from complaining ridiculously about coworkers and Wal-Mart customers. Anyway, I am oot, too much typing.



Monday, July 28, 2003

Good Food and Veganism

So here is the thing, I have friends who are more or less vegetarians. I have some friends who are vegan or some degree of vegans but most of them are usually vegetarians but will occassionally eat fish. There is also Sanjay who would eat steak if he were ever in a situation where good enough meat was offered.

I respect all of these decisions, as long as people aren't mdicks about the fact that I am not a vegetarian. Eat whatever you want, as far as I am concerned, as long as it ain't other people. I actually wouldnt care much about that either, assuming people had like given consent or something to be eaten. This is a stupid discussion, I will no longer have it. The point is basically, eat what you will, I prefer meat.

I respect these decisions, but fundamentally, I will admit that they don't make any sense to me. I won't go as far as to say that I think these decisions are stupid, though I am not far away. I really only won't say this because I like and respect my friends who make the decisions. The fact of the matter, however, the raw fucking fact, is that vegan and vegetarian food is not as good as its meaty and creamy counterparts.

Maybe someday this will change. I suppose this type of food has only really been around for 20 years at max. There have always been people who eat vegetables, don't get me wrong, but they were never really doing it for ethical reasons, unless I am badly mistaken. Maybe I am, I know a little about nutritional anthropology, but certainly not specializing in vegetarianism. Fuck, even salads and shit, the ultimate vegetable food, has cheese and shit in it. Stuff that we think of as vegetarian staples, tofu, humus, falafel, etc. were all developed to be eaten with animals and animal products. Mediterranean and Arabic cultures are definatively the closest to vegetarian we have seen before the contemporary area but most of these foods are traditional served alongside or even together with cheese and meat (hummus was originally developed to cut both the quantitiy and the tang of feta cheese, which, prior to pasteurization was apparently about 5 times more tart than the products of today).

Regardless, the fact is, a majority of cooking has been developed using cream, cheese, meat, etc. Very very few foods are free of these things, honestly, think about it. The best foods include these flavors and these rich and creamy textures. Even the world's true vegetarian delicacies cannot be eaten really on their own, I mean, you cant just grill up a fucking white truffle. I suppose you could do it, but the texture is nothing to scream about, the flavor would be overpowering (like just eating a block of saffron), and it would cost you a couple G's. Classically, both Italian and French cooks use truffles and truffle oils in very small amounts and typically with meat. I have heard of salads made with a drop of truffle oil, but its too rich for my blood.

So here is the point, I respect your decision not to eat cows or pigs or whatever. Nonetheless, you will never eat things as good as I will. I can eat the best things you can plus I can flavor them or use them to flavor meat, cheese, eggs, etc.

This probably isnt very clear or concise, but I am really fucking tired. I will talk more about food later. I fucking love food.



Friday, July 25, 2003

Days Off

Day off, its my day off. I have nothing to do really, but at least I do not have to be at work. I took Katie to the doctors this afternoon and then stopped by UB to drop off some shit about gaining residency in New York. I guess I had to lie on the form because I don't really have any intention to remain in New York after I get my degree. I think its pretty stupid to ask that of graduate students in the first place, seeing as how we can't guaruntee ourselves jobs in one specific market.

The more important thing is how much this whole residency thing establishes about the ridiculousness of beuarocracy at this school. Literally, the various departments transfer this money around, they don't just wave my tuition, one department pays my tuition to another. Fucking really really weird. As a result the paperwork, effort, time, and money lost more than covers what they would lose if theyeven waived my tuition as an out of state resident.

Anyway, there is this new commercial that they started running on the Wal-Mart TV network for Vaseline Intensiver Care Lotion. This new type of lotion contains a bunch of chemicals and additives and stuff including aloe vera and sea minerals. That is what the commerical says: "This lotion contains aloe vera and sea minerals."
You must understand how easily identifiable that last two word concept is, SEA MINERALS. Say it to yourself, you can tell that you are saying SEA MINERALS.

Now, fuck it up a little bit. Make the "er" in minerals a little bit quieter than the rest of the world. This is the problem that the woman has on the commercial. She virtually drops the "er" entirely, it took me a long long time to even figure out what it was supposed to be. If you haven't figured it out yet, if you make this pronunciatory mistake you end up with SEA MINerALS. This, when pronounced, sounds pretty much exactly like SEMEN ROLLS.

The first time I heard this shit my jaw dropped open. Every time since I have just laughed openly whenever the concept of a semen roll rings out loud and clear over the speakers. I guess that people who do not work at the store don't really pay attention to the commercials on the TVs since I think someone would have complained or whatever. At least they could have mentioned it to me and made my whole fucking day.

So Katie is asleep right now and I am watching the Godfather Part III. I just rewatched the other two within the past week or so and I wanted to see if I correctly remembered this one as being vastly inferior. Everyone is right, notably, and even though I haven't seen it since I was early in high school I remember correctly that this should not even be in the boxed set. The other two movies are legitimately incredible, both in the ten best films ever made. The acting in this third one is absolutely miserable by comparison. You've still got Al Pacino, but besides him this Andy Garcia-Chaz Palmenteri nonsense is off the hook. You are comparing them to fucking DeNiro and Abe Vigoda and whatever. The whole Andy Garcia as a spaz gets old quick.

I have 14 days left to work at Wal-Mart. Three weeks from today I will be back in Minneapolis celebrating avec mi amigos. I don't know how long exactly we will be in town, but I would guess at least for about 4-5 days. I assume we will leave here on Wednesday morning and stop maybe in Illinois for the night. We can get up the next morning and meet up with my bro for lunch or something. Then be in town by early Thursday evening. We can party it up Thursday night, we can have lunch with someone on Friday. All in all, it will rock. Much better than Suckalo, which, if you hadnt guessed, sucks.



Thursday, July 24, 2003


I realized when I was typing the first version of this message thing that I don't believe there is any symbol available on a computer to put the little lightning bolt thingy that comes between AC and DC into ACDC. You pretty much just have to use a backslash or something, which is not nearly as cool.

I mean, you've got the schoolboy uniform and the Australian accents and the whole jumping and playing the guitar trademark Angus Young thing. The Whole Lotta Rosie business, so on and so forth. There is, however, a good argument that at the very center of it all, the lightning bolt business is the key to all their success. I mean, ther must be a reason every hockey team in the country plays Thunderstruck as warm up music. Its a bad ass Hanz and Franz style pump you izzup classic but still. The whole, "we've got an actual natural disaster built into our moniker" thing never hurts.

I have looked through all the symbols and stuff, I officially cannot find the lightning bolt. Weak.

The whole thing is sparked by the fact that the Charlie's Angels commercial which features the song is the best commercial ever. It follows the general guideline of Charlie's Angels, hot looking chicks and bad ass fight scenes to rock and hip hop music. It rocks. Wow does it rock. The movie itself will be excellent, hopefully it will compete with the original, which was the first through sixth best movies of all time. The scene where they ripped of Matrix special effects to beat the hell out of Crispin Glover to "Smack My Bitch Up" remains among the best action scenes in recent memory.

I don't really have anything else to say about Charlie's Angels. I welcome the return of Demi Moore every bit as much as everyone else, but I won't go over it. MSN's entertainment section really beat me to the punch.

I am now going to watch the second episode of I'm With Busey. This show is great. I laughed my ass off during the first show. The kid is the perfect foil to the absolutely insane shit that Busey says. He himself is only marginally funny, but he is the right combination of forthright and nervous fat kid to do the trick. I will have to say more later.



Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Good Things are Home

Yay for that. Also a big yeah-ra for the return of Katie to the Suckalo metro-area. The world is a much brighter place when I do not have to sleep alone and I can use the computer on the couch. Overall, yay for Sunday afternoon and everything that entered my house on that day. Obviously, I would rather have Katie here than my computer, but both are welcome.

We went grocery shopping today but I can't think of any humorous anecdotes about it. Katie bought butterscotch pudding and some yogurt. I got some root beer so I can make root beer floats. Katie doesn't like root beer. We had mac and cheese for dinner because we are lazy.

Katie has two Care Bears now, one that I gave her and one that she bought in Wyoming, which is blue. Anyway, she has both of them strapped to the back of the computer bag, everywhere she went she was carrying these two bright colored bears. It was very cute.

I am going to stop observing random things here. It cannot possibly be entertaining. At the same time most things that I write, including Arrested Development lyrics, are probably not of any interest to anyone either.

I keep hearing stuff about the president being impeached and I really think he will be. I don't remember alot specifically about the Lewinsky scandal before the shit really hit the fan, but I think it was less than this. Congressional committees are forming and people will call further for inquiries etc. Eventually, unless something turns out to be different, I think the fact that the president lied about something this serious, something that started a war and resulted in the loss of American lives, means alot more than sex.

I know the common response will be that Clinton did it under oath in a court of law, which officially Bush did not. However, there has to be some standard which applies to speaking to Congress. You don't take an oath but it is still reasonably expected that you do not lie.

I am so tired I cannot even think straight. Anyway, later.



Saturday, July 19, 2003

That Rabbit Can't Cut its Own Hair...

I have a feeling that the roll of film I developed today for this young woman was not, in fact taken by the young woman. I don't know the exact story behind it, but I speculate that it goes something like this:

These kids, maybe first-years in college, maybe high school seniors or something, around that age, have this party. They are drinking plastic bottle rum and vodka, maybe someone brought a bottle of malibu. They have a case of Natty Light in cans or something equivalent. The thing is, the door to the bathroom at this house doesn't lock, maybe it was an old house or a little house or a trailer home or something, all those would be consistent with the pictures but it couldnt be specifically verified by them. So someone, my guess is not the woman who brought the film in, decided that the unlockable bathroom door created the opportunuity for some exceptional photo ops. The entire roll of film, literally all 24 pictures, were shots of various women with their pants around their ankles on the toilet. Most of them seemed to be reacting in surprise, as if someone had just unexpectedly opened the bathroom door and taken a picture of them. Some of them moved to cover their faces, some to cover other areas which, the fact of the matter is, couldnt really be seen from that angle anyway. Some of them appeared to just be screaming or unable to react quickly enough. Basically, I think that the photographer simply waited for someone to go into the bathroom before busting in on them flash a'blazin'.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if what you reach to cover when someone is attempting to photograph you on the toilet says anything about your personality. I am just working this out obviously, but there are somewhat similar studies, things that say things about you when you have no chance to think about them, only to react. Maybe covering one's face indicates that YOU don't want to be seen on the toilet, whereas covering the lower region indicates that you don't want to be seen ON THE TOILET. That distinction seems stupider to me as I think about it, but maybe there is some hidden merit. Work is so fucking boring.

I forgot to mention that I am actually typing this at the WMPC. I am not online, just typing it into Notepad on our little Photographic Imaging Controller, but still, its a much better use of time on the clock than doing anything which benefits the Wal-Mart bottom line. At the most I think I have 23 more days of working here for the summer. Thank fucking assshit for that, because I couldnt handle anything more. I will desperately need the break in Minneapolis to recover from the dipfuckingasscock that is constant back pain and stupid fucking customers.

I am quitting smoking tomorrow, seriously, it is my last day as a smoker this July 20th, 2003. It really scares me, I am very very nervous about the concept, but what do you do. I guess I will just suck it up and roll with it. At least I have Monday off, I need that first day without anything to do if I will even have a chance. The first day back at work without a cigarette however, that being Tuesday, scares the pants off me. I have no idea how I will survive it. I guess I will just bring a couple dozen doses of advil and drink lots of water. I have been told that eases the effects of withdrawl and expediates any physical symptoms. I don't know that the problems will really be physical, I imagine that it will just be a very very strong desire to smoke, but what the fuck do I know. I love you cigarettes. You have been a very important part of my life, with me through virtually every significant moment, and I will miss you. Believe me when I say that I will never stop loving you. Beautiful beautul tobacco. I will visit you in cigar form at some point, but not for a while. YOu made me a much much cooler person for the last six years, thank you.

I won't be mentioning cigarettes for a while hopefully, as talking about smoking always makes me want to smoke. The less I think about the act of smoking the easier this will be for me. Enough, no more smoking.

Katie comes home tomorrow. That is the bright side of July 20th, 2003. At least by attaching a happy event to the date I cannot rue it, at least I don't think that rue-ing it would be appropriate. I have been really really bored and really really lonely for the past 2ish weeks, probably even more so than during school. School rarely provided me with any real interaction or contact with "friends" certainly, but it was infinately more engaging than the average Wal-Mart conversation, which is limited by my infamiliarty with the people, our differences in interest, and the constraints of work. At least at school there is constant thinking and interaction going on. I can handle people talking about philosophy/psychoanalysis much better than I can standing and waiting on customers. Even if when either one is over I just go home and watch TV alone. Thankfully, however, that time is nearly behind us and come tomorrow I will not have to be alone.

I hit up the BBQ joint down the street last night, One-Eyed Jacks, to celebrate my day off. I know that celebrating one's day off is a little weird, but I have very little going for me right now. Absent that I would have celebrated my day off by staying inside all day, which kinda sucks. Anyway, this place is really quite good. I have only been there like two or three times, which is ridiculous in comparison to how much I like BBQ. I have not yet had the chicken, only the brisket, the pulled pork, and the ribs, all of which rizock. They have decent BBQ baked beans, but nothing to write home about (fuck, I am writing home about them right now...) and their garlic bread is a to the g. They even have a pretty good spicy BBQ sauce that I would be willing to buy a bottle of in the situation where I was not encouraged enough to make my own. That might be the suckiest thing about living in this apartment, I havent had a good old Q in almost a fucking year. Believe that shit. Shake ya' tailfeather!

Speaking of which, I know P. Diddy takes alot of shit for his gratuitous sampling and stuff, but I kind of like the dude's voice. I mean, obviously you gotta respect what he has done, dude is making a fucking killing with that record label, and I don't even know who is on it. Though I am not the primary hip hop/rap audience. Nonetheless, I think he is kinda cool. I don't like alot of his songs, mainly because I think sampling Sting and singing rap lyrics over it is hella lame, but when he is doing cool melodies and shit its a-ight. He has this one line in "Shake Ya' Tailfeather" where he rhymes playa' with playa': brilliant.

Thank everything holy, it is time to close the register and go home. Another day at Wal-Mart draws to a close and I am very happy man. Anyway, until next time folks. Keep it real. Fibbedy foo-dop waaa....



Thursday, July 17, 2003

Stuff and Shit and Stuff

So I think I had like a writing hangover after this Sunday's giganta-entry thing. Overload will do that, at least, overload combined with the lack of a laptop computer. I seriously think about not even checking my email most days, because there is a couch right there which I could easily be sitting on instead of fucking typing away like the world's biggest wad.

For the most part my days continue to be absolutely uneventful. I get up, watch Sportscenter, and go to work. I come home, watch TV for about 2-4 hours and go to sleep. I get to talk to Katie for a while in there, I check my email occassionally, sometimes I cook something. On that last front I am way fucking behind, because I haven't been buying any food, so as to save money and all, and I am running out of useful food products. I realized this morning that I didnt have anything at all to eat yesterday, and I didnt even notice. I didn't even have like a bowl of ice cream or some chips or something. I came home during lunch and found that I was out of bread, so I didnt make a sandwich, I just sat on the couch, watched half an hour of High Fidelity and drank a soda before I went back to work. I got back from work late as fucking hell and sat down to watch Paradise Hotel and then the World Poker Tour, before I knew it, That 70s Show was over and I watched Good Eats and went to sleep. At no point did the concept of food even occur to me. Maybe that means something is wrong. More likely it means that I need to go grocery shopping, but I will wait until Katie gets back and figure out how much money we should spend at the ole Topps.

Good Eats was interesting yesterday, one I had never seen, on Casseroles. AB put out some solid shit, but nothing too difficult. For instance, his chicken pot pie, which did look much much better than any such product I have ever seen, but nothing ridiculous. The show is still ridiculously entertaining, AB should have his own fucking network. I continue to not believe that I do not have the Good Eats DVDs, if that trend continues to the point of my birthday they become number one on the list. I could watch every fucking episode over and over and over again and never ever ever get bored with it, it is definatively the world's best cooking show and one of the best shows ever made. He made a "leftover Chinese Food casserole which appeared to be a tasty way to deal with random leftovers and a broccoli/mushroom combination which I would like better were one to substitue in some cauliflower or even lots of onions for the mushrooms. The chicken pot pie was really easy and I think I will whip it up at somepoint soon, good gravy, fresh veggies, and flavorful chicken. The interesting part of the show was that Alton explicitly responded to the "cream of mushroom soup" trend so popular amongst hotdish purveyors and refused to utilize the product, both for health and taste reasons. Regardless, it was quite funny.

So there is this little kid who lives in the building next door to mine, but because it seems to be the hip thing for all the kids to do these days he tends to hang out at my building with all the other fucking little kids. I don't really get it, but whatever. I didn't grow up in or around apartment buildings, and the whole concept of living in or near one as a child is weird to me. It must really suck. For that reason I give these kids alot of leeway, and don't let it annoy me that they are always in the hallways and the parking lot and are being loud and stupid and annoying. Regardless, this one little kid comes up to me the other day and asks me if I can play ball with him. Of course I don't want to play ball with him (I don't know what this game entailed really, he had a basketball, but there wasn't a hoop in sight) but I am just about to smoke a cigarette, putting my in a sticky situation. There did not appear to be any other little kids around, so he threw the ball to me and I threw it back for about 5 minutes as I finished my cigarette. It was weird and uncomfortable, but whatever. Then the kid looks in my car as I go to walk in the building and sees the M+Ms that have been sitting there since like October. He asks, not so subtley, if he could have some. I gave him some, obviously, I wasn't using them. The next day and the next, however, he was sitting on the fucking step looking like he was waiting for me to fucking get there, and immediately as I did he ran over to my car and asked for more M+Ms. This seems to me like very weird behavior, if not outride rude. Its not like I give a fuck, obviously, he is free to ask me for candy, I don't care. Nonetheless, I don't know that most people would appreciate such a straightforward approach. I simply don't really like dealing with little kids, they make me uncomfortable. The whole situation was fucking weird. Luckily I am now out of candy in my car, there is no risk of dealing with him tonight.

I also get these paranoid delusions that his parents or someone are going to call the cops on me for giving him candy, like I had poisoned them or coated them in liquid acid. I haven't done anything wrong, obviously, its just fucking candy that has probably melted in the sun, but nonetheless, an early 20s guy who does not look altogether so respectable handing candy out to little kids seems sketchy in my mind, even if they did ask for it. I checked ou the window every like 20 minutes the first night to make sure they weren't staking out my pad, watching me concoct my sinister candy coated chocolates at the kitchen table which doubled as a meth lab. The kitchen table of course, does not double as a meth lab, but its a paranoid delusion, I can pretend its a fucking meth lab if I want to.

I am so sick of going to work. On the bright side, I have a somewhat regular schedule which is divided so that I never have to work more than three days in a row, and I get Monday and Fridays off. That kind of rocks, I like it, even though it means I never have more than one day off at a time. I desperately need the rest however, my back cannot fucking handle being at Wal-Mart more than those three days. I need an entire 24 or so hours to simply lay on the couch to recover. I am thinking about going gambling tomorrow, just taking like 5 dollars and playing nickel video poker for a couple hours, not that I would win anything anyhow. At the very least it would get me out of the house for some reason besides work or food, the only two times I have left since Katie took off for Wyoming. I may at least drive up to the casino and look around, its only like 20 miles away and I havent even been up there. From everything I have heard its a decent sized joint, it has 95 tables and a couple thousand slots. Craps, roulette, carribean stud, blackjack, and pai gow. I don't think they have a poker room, though they do at Seneca Gaming, which is about 40 minutes south of here. I really want to play poker, but I simply don't have enough money. I actually just really want to play poker with my homies, but of course, my homies are all back in my hood, and I am alone in Suckalo. I have definatively been watching too much of the World Poker Tour. Even though, admittedly, it is a great program.

So I took an alternate route through the Wal-Mart to get back to the lab today and ran into the best product ever made. There was a big display of them sitting in the pharmacy and the sign simply says VCF. Before you read further, think about what VCF might be, think about it. You nailed it dizneuce, it is Vaginal Cleansing Film. I laughed out loud looking at it. I studied the display a little harder. Apparently, if one uses this Vaginal Cleansing Film it eliminates the need for either douching or feminine hygeine spray. It appears that VCF is essentially a breath strip (you know those little Listerine or Icebreakers strips you dissolve in your mouth for wintery fresh breath) for your vagina. I don't know if you just lay it on top there or if you like roll it up and shove it in, but either way its awesome.

I had two distinct thoughts about VCF. The first is that it would be sweet if it really was just Listerine Power Pack Strips in a different package. The company would have however many women purchase VCF putting ice breakers in their genitals and I think its hilarious. Eventually it would get out and people would just purchase the altoids version for a superior cleansing. "Oh my Caroline, your vagina has a curiously strong freshness..."

The second thought followed of course, which was trying to determine the best slogan for such a product. Obviously we have the Altoids "curiously strong" thing going, but I was going to try to go with the x-treme advertising products like icebreakers tend to go with. My favorite is still "Vaginal Cleansing Film...STICK IT TO YOUR SNATCH!!" On the commercial, of course, the last part would be read by some loud bold voice like from a Mountain Dew commercial or some shit. Maybe the dude from the Slim Jim ads who was like "Eat Me!!" I continue to laugh everytime I think about this commercial. Maybe it could start out just like a Summer's Eve commercial, in a fresh meadow or something. Then this chick could come through it hauling ass on an ATV (ass-transport vehicle) and do like a flip in the air, fall off her Yamaha and land in a patch of daisies. Then she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pack of VCF and we get a shot of the woman from the waist up. She pulls a strip out of the VCF PocketPak and holds it up to the camera. Maybe a voice over extolling the virtues of cleansing one's vagina with a strip and then the woman shoves it where it belongs (we don't get to see that part, obviously, disphit, but we understand) and the camera starts spinning all x-treme like. Maybe a bright light, some neon flowers instead of the ordinary daisies. Then all of a sudden she is back on the ATV and she executes some incredible move before the logo shows up on the screen: "VCF: STICK IT TO YOUR SNATCH!!" Damn I love that slogan. Fuck this whole PhD thing, I should go into marketing. As long as we are dealing with slogans that involve slang terms for genitalia I am pure gold.

I think it would be funny to capture a frog and name him "The Ballad of Jom Toad."

I think that pen15 should become an officially accepted spelling of penis.

I think that Trinidad and Tobago should quit fucking around and just have one name.

I think that name should be A'ss'vill'e.

I like apostrophes.

Sometimes I wonder, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Then I think that, most likely, a woodchuck would chuck all the wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Other times I wonder what exactly that rhyme assumes "chucking" to be in the context of wood and whether it involves the butt.

The words pondering and pandering are too similar.

Why is it that the two cutest species of bear are not actually bears? I think someone wanted the bear family to be known as cuter, maybe to solve the bad rep that grizzlies had been getting, so they tried to annex the koala and the panda.

Cassiopeia is a lame constellation.

Anchovies! More like Papa Smurf!!

Tubas would sound cooler if they had a little ball in the horn that rolled around when you blew into it like a whistle.

If you were Al Pacino and you had to have sex with one member of the New Kids on the Block, I think you should choose Jordan Knight.

If you were Al Pacino and you had to have sex with one TV show about helicopters, I think you should choose Blue Thunder.

I challenge you to a game of horseshoes; A GAME OF HORSESHOES!!

There is this one Pantera song where at the end they are just repeating this kick ass little riff and the lead singer is just like "Fuckin' A" and then they do the riff one more time and the song ends. That is a cool way to end a song.



Saturday, July 12, 2003

Royal Ramble

Today officially sucks an ass. There is no real specific reason for this ass sucking, it just happens to exist. I woke up later than I wanted to and had to go to fucking work. This is not especially specific, mind you, since I go to work 5 fucking days out of the week, but notably, each one sucks more than the last. My back hurts like a crazy ass motherfucker tonight, I mean a crazy ass motherfucker, and I have no idea why this might be the case. I haven't worked especially hard, but the day has just been dragging fucking on. Get it fucking over with already. I cannot wait for this summer to be over because holy fuck do I hate working at Wal-Mart.

What else is there really to talk about besides beavers. So here is the thing about beavers, they are, in all actuality, quite cute. Some people will call them water rats and such, but fundamentally they look alot like otters and have a similarly cute behavior. Denis Leary classified the cute behavior of otters as "I swim around on my back and do cute little human things with my hands." The beaver, simply chews trees and builds shit. This doesn't sound especially cute, I will grant you this. But sit down and watch the mighty beaver work. I loved to check out the beaver dam at the MN Zoo back in the day, because they had that really innovative setup whereby you could see inside the dam. Most people, at least in my opinion, were not aware that a beaver dam didn't just serve to stop up a river, but rather was also a little casa.

I always thought it was weird that they had more than one room in their dam, because, they are like, fucking beavers man. I mean, what do beavers need privacy for. Apparently, I would learn later, the rooms serve to support the roof of the dam rather than simply divide up the space, but nonetheless, beavers can often be observed maintaining a division between rooms based on the activities that occur in them. The entry way is an entryway and nothing more. This makes instinctual sense to me. The whole point of having a dam is that predators can't get at you, since they would have to swim underwater and up into your house and most predators aren't that kind of swimmer. Nonetheless, if you were a beaver, and you were grooming yourself in the entryway to your dam and a fucking wolf popped up through the entry hole you would be totally fucked. So you only enter in the entry way, all other activities are done in places where you might have enough time to react or something. But why is it that beavers sleep in one room and groom themselves in another room? Fuck you Darwin, what the fuck, Is there a reason for this that I am not aware of.

I know that we humans have bathrooms and bedrooms and everything, but notably, we do that because we need running water in the bathroom and that often is not available in the bedroom. Beavers ain't got no running water, so what is the dilly yo. Maybe this is peculiar behavior only found in zoo beavers, but I don't know why. From what has been explained to me about the beaver exhibit at the MN Zoo, they pretty much built an area like what beavers would occupy in the wild and then let them go at the dam themselves. Maybe this is just a romantic memory of mine about the beauty of the beaver lodge, but I don't think so. I think the little buggers have OCD.

I just wrote like three paragraphs about beavers. This should give you an idea of what an absolutely uninteresting person I am when shit comes down to it. My computer leaves with my fiance and I get ready to quit smoking and all of a sudden I am just all beavers all the time. Not in the good Vin Diesel playa' sense either, like the furry little dam builders. I suck so much ass.

That should also be noted, I suppose, that I am going to attempt to quit smoking at the end of this upcoming week. I am really really really dreading this process, it is almost all I can think about, besides beavers, MTV Hits, and Reese's Sticks...mmmm Reese's Sticks. I have literally been having nightmares about the process of quitting. Nightmares about quitting may be a strong word, I have had dreams about quitting and they aren't fun. Basically, however, I think they are accurate. Its not like I am sick all the time or whatever. Its not like I have headaches and can't handle the cravings. In fact, the physical cravings are fairly weak, every now and then I might notice them.

The really really really really shitty ass shitty thing that bothers me about quitting smoking is just not being able to smoke anymore. I don't care if it is tobacco, I don't care if it gives me a buzz, I don't care if it tastes as good as a Parliament full flavor or produces the same volume and concentration of smoke. I really like smoking, its one of my favorite things to do and I am going to miss it. Fucking A!

I have decided that the one decision I regret most in my life is the decision to begin smoking and not because I hated smoking or anything, much to the contrary, I love it now and I am sure I will until the day I die of non-smoking related circumstances. It was the worst decision I ever made simply because I am now going to stop. So ever single mother fucking day, every time I wake up, every time I eat, every time I drive, I have to think about smoking and not do it. Fuck.

Oh well, I shouldn't dwell on the whole ciggarette thing. I will quit and eventually it will get better and I won't think about it all the time. If I do I will go to increasingly powerful hypnotherapists and block out the idea of cigarettes altogether. Maybe I can get a hypnotist to make me think that I am smoking even though I am not. I can have all the psycho-physical satisfaction I get as a smoker plus non of the death-like side effects.

What else is there to talk about. I suppose I could digress on Adaptation, a film which I purchased yesterday, largely simply because it was only 8.99 at Blockbuster. I went in simply with the intention of renting a game, which I also did, but walked out of there with the second collaboration between Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman.

I like this film, I like it alot more than many people did. I don't know how much I agree with it and I am not sure how much I buy into the characters that surround Kaufman versus how much I buy into Kaufman's own thing. The really interesting thing about the flick is the way that it reintegrates a style that hasn't been done in quite a while, that being the film making itself thing. Don't get me wrong, its done in miniature style all the time, a film will talk about being a film or some character will say "I hate it when movies do this (X)" and then the film itself will do X. The interesting thing about Adaptation is that the whole fucking flick is actually the construction of itself, something that was increasingly common in Italian neo-realism, spurred by Fellini's masterful 8 1/2, the movie that, at least to my knowledge, pioneered the genre. There are others, I think Antonioni did one, which are essentially the same thing, but I haven't seen a Hollywood version that I can remember until now. I guess Mullholand Drive has more elements which belong to that theme than most films, but its not David Lynch's style to explore it as explicitly. I mean we have the Cowboy and his whole "if you do good you will see me one more time" but nowhere does Adam Kesher pick up a tape recorder and read verbatim dialogue from earlier in the film.

I don't find subtlety in film to necessarily be the indicator of quality, as many do, nor do I find the upfront-ness of the story to be so mind blowing that I automatically rank Adaptation amongst my favorite movies. But I find a number of things interesting, some of which just happen to be the more subtle elements near the conclusion. Again, remember, I really like the whole premise of being about the process of adapting the movie. The phrase adaptation taking on a multiplicity of varied and related usages in the worlds of evolution, the lives of the Kaufmans, and Susan Orlean. Nonetheless, the end of the film is of the most interest to me.

Upon my first viewing in the theater, I was wowed but fairly convinced that I knew at least what had happened (not plot wise, I was obvioulsy able to figure this out-hey you are the same fuck who couldn't tell the difference between Christina's and Britney's songs aren't you, fuck you dude) but when I watched again last night I had some doubts. So there is the marked difference from the point where Donald goes into Susan's office to pretend that he is Charles right. I mean, I guess it starts shortly after that, but that is when we start to speculate about what it is that happens after the book. We do all the things which had earlier been postulated by Charlie to be all the shitty and contrived Hollywood things which could ruin his otherwise pure movie about flowers. All those elements develop, but not simply as elements within a movie, they are also elements in real life, the fucked up part about a movie which is so self-constructive. So at this point while the film is still reflecting on its mode of production, there is none of the explicit self-referentiality which was so pronounced when Charlie was working on the script.

There are obviously elements near the end here which you are simply supposed to laugh at, I won't go into them for those who have not seen the film, but they are ridiculous, and I think quite obviously so, at least in the context of the rest of the movie. The other thing that I am not sure about is the two characters of Kaufman. This obviously means alot to him and there are some filmic and some extra-filmic elements which should indicate as such. For instance, his fictional brother is listed in all the credits and even on the Oscar nomination (which according to someone, I think it was some IMDB review, remains the only fictional character ever nominated for an Academy Award). There is the first easy reading; that somehow they are the two halves of Charlie Kaufman, that his confident Catherine Keener-boning self isn't all too distinct from the neurotic author of Being John Malkovich. At the same time, some stuff complicates that. Does Kaufman really have a side which is so bound by awful stereotyped ideas. Look at the list of films he has made, none of them actually fall into the types of cliches that this film makes fun of. Furthermore, what, then, is the deal with the very end of the film? Doens't make any sense to me, as it would seem to seal off the self-success of the film, illustrated by the very fact that it exists.

Enough. That is my initial discussion of Adaptation, I'm sure I will end up saying more someday, as I often do, though I don't want to ruin it for Katie and any possible other readers who have not seen the flick.

This movie obviously was Andy Kemp's favorite film of all time, largely because of the multitude of ideas that he seems to share with Charlie Kaufman, and probably the series of neuroses that accompany them. I don't know that Kaufman ever actually whipped a glass accross a BW3 restaurant, but if he had a couple long islands and had to hang around with Kevin for an hour, I wouldn't put it past him.

To add a little bit of news into the mix, I am unsure about Bush's recent trip to Africa. Not because it is an obvious attempt to drum up support for the invasion of Liberia, which in itself is an interesting little topic: while I don't really support military intervention in the abstract there is something to be said that the USFG is at least taking notice of Liberia-since most African genocides tend to go without official notice (qua the Congo, Rwanda, etc.). There is also a flip side to the selection of Liberia specifically. On the one hand intervening to secure a state which was established by and for ex-slaves is probably a pretty obvious, but not reprehensible move to argue that the Bush administration, despite their stance against the SC decision involving Michigan, is not neutral to racism. On the other, Liberia, especially in the recent American media blitz to portray it, has been sort of singled out from the rest of sub-Saharan Africa. The current President, for instance, is named Charles Taylor, a name which is markedly different from the more diverse governing names on the continent. The question then is whether Bush is intervening in Africa only when it threatens the "African Taylors," many of whom are explicitly ex-Americans and others are at least more "Americanized." Basically, is he abandoning the rest of Africa, even though it may have, and often does, just as much violence, questionable democracy, and warlording as Liberia has ever known.

On the lighter side of Africa, there is the media coverage by my personal favorite news source, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Here is the thing, I admire the attempt to do political humor about Africa, largely because the writers obviously know less about Africa then even the Bush administration. Most of the jokes had already been done by the Simpson's go to Africa episode a couple years back. You've got your constantly changing leaders, your random country names, adding People's and Republic and Democratic to other names at random. You've got the difficulty of pronunciation and the consonant sounds which don't exist in any romantic or germanic languages. Blah blah blah. Very little of the Daily Show's coverage of the Africa trip has been funny. Notably, what the fuck were they supposed to say. Have you read the news coverage of the trip, because this is where the Daily Show gets a strong majority of the jokes. Sure, they have had some funny things about Bush's bold stance AGAINST SLAVERY and AGAINST APARTHEID and how patronizingly he treated African leaders, but it didn't really dominate the show. The weird thing is, I don't know what I could have done better. Obviously there is some level of racism or at least ignorance involved in this portrayal, but the only alternative that pops into my head is just to not do many jokes about it. Find something else and make fun of that even though there is a major presidential trip underway. I don't know that this is even a better idea anyway.

Oh well, that is seriously all I have got for now. That was so fucking long. I cannot believe how fucking long that is. Wow. Alright, gotta watch some TV now, this much writing is bad for my brains.



Friday, July 11, 2003

So Follow Me On This One...

Start out by smoking some drugs. After that turn on MTV Hits, just fucking do it. Get over your indie street cred you fucking prick. Just fucking turn it on. This channel is just non-stop awesome shiznit. Watch Nelly Furtado's classic "Turn Off the Lights" video. It looks like Parappa the Rappa' took like three tabs of acid. There are all these bright colors and stupid fucking dances and dudes covered in flour dancing in hoop skirts. I can just imagine the Shaggy dude from the first game in there.

I would like to add to the original list of great tunes I have seen on this channel recently American Idol Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" which starts off like its going to be a pop ballad thing qua her first single. Midway through it goes totally Christina. You can just see the pattern in the "Fighter" video which is so hip with the kids these days. I can't believe I forgot about Beyonce's video, whose name I forget, but is really good. Nelly and P. Diddy have a single with this other dude, who sucks, but overall a good video. The song is on the Bad Boys II soundtrack and Diddy's record label is named Bad Boy. Trust me when I say that this fact did not escape the notice of any of this video's lyricists. If I could grade rappers on their correct observations about the coincedence between the names of their labels and the names of the movies for which they record soundtrack songs Nelly and P. Diddy and the other dude, who sucks, would all get A's.

Also Mya's "My Love is Like (wo!)," which, I would like to note, appears to have been spellchecked by Will Hailer. Its pronounced "whoa" (think Joey Lawerence) and literally includes the lyric "my sex is like (wo)/my ass is like (wo)" which is incredibly brilliant. The song is also exactly to the melody of that "Get Out the Way" song from a little while past. The makers of the video take a clue from the writers of the song who take a cue from the video for "Lady Marmalade" and that clue is not especially subtle. The clue is pretty simply "Show off Mya's ass. Seriously, have her like bend it down into the camera a couple times. Make it absolutely clear in the minds of the audience that Mya does not lack an ass. If you could actually just attach a camera to her pants, that would be good." Based on Mya and Charlie's Angels FULL THROTTLE I am almost ready to dub this "Summer of the Ass."

On a sour note, which unfortunately, are occasionally necessary, Christina's newest venture with Moulin Rouge Soundtrack alum Little Kim is awful. I mean, retchid, "Can't Hold Us Down" is a good message, sure, women should not be called whores for behaviour that is considered "manly" for men. This was a profound thought which warranted songs, even those with awful lyrics not too long ago, but seriously Aggy, what's the dilly-o? Can't we go back to what you girls want and being a fighter and stuff? And for the sweet love of fuck kill whoever colored your hair and return to blondage. The black is hip only in the dark Tool inspired video with all the moths. It was a gimmick, you are a blonde. You can be brunette sometimes, but black hair, sorry, Michelle Branch has got the market cornered. Suck it up.



Dippin Dots

They are good. That is about all I really have to say right now. I wish I could get Dippin Dots right here in Lockport, I don't want to drive into Niagara Falls to get the ice cream of the future, but I would like the ice cream of the future. Their chocolate mint is great as is the neopolitan. I really want Dippin Dots. I will just settle for finishing off the carton of Finding Nemo ice cream from Edie's. Its good shit, vanilla bean ice cream with a swirl of cookie dough and chocolate chunks.

I could go on forever about this ice cream stuff, but I won't, at least not now. I may head up to the Tasty Treat for the world's best turtle sundae, or maybe just to Anderson's for pistachio custard, which I haven't had but sounds fucking great.



Thursday, July 10, 2003

Crazy Shit on My Mind

So I know that my laptop is currently in better hands. It is being used by someone who cares deeply for it and will use its powers for good. I mean, fundamentally it will be used to cut cards at the ole' Wyoming Debate Institute and help out the chillins. You gotta look out for the chillins. If I ain't lookin out for the chillins who gonna do it. You? You Lt. Weinberg?

So the downside of not having my laptop, besides the fact that I like my laptop and I miss it, and also besides the fact that I do not have my Avril album or any of my Avril videos, is that I do not go onto the interweb very much. See the desktop which is available to me is not the most comfortable sitting place in the world, I like my couch much much better. C'est tres bien. The cool of the laptop is enhanced many degrees by the comfort of the sofa.

After a long day at Wal-Mart the last thing I really want to do is sit at another hard backed chair while I look at email or mean pictures of penguins having sex with goats...I mean...yeah, thats what I mean. Penguins and goats. Hot shit.

The Wal-Mart has given me some things to think about over the last few days, especially because of their new musical selections. They have been mixing some Britney and Christina (Oops and What a Girl Wants, repsectively, obviously, you dipfuck) in along with the 80's rock whgich has been so prevalent lately. The Scorpions, Whitesnake, and even Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone." That song specifically being made into Wal-Mart muzak ("Once upon a time/you dressed so fine/threw the bums a di...Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers, our shoe department currently has...) has allowed me sometime to ponder the idea of commodification of dissent vs. the simple fact that Wal-Mart customers listened to Dylan, especially as those people grow older and the idea of "Equate Contact Lens Solution" (the wal-mart brand) becomes more attractive.

Anyway, the phrase "butt-ramming asswhores" has for some reason been creeping into my mind recently. I strongly considered naming this entry simply "butt-ramming asswhores, but I figured Katie would not be pleased, so I am settling for this. I have most often been using the phrase simply to insert in songs. I don't think its really even conscious, just Andy Kemp style action on the wonderful wal-Mart tunes. For the first time Wal-Mart has actually begun to utilize music which I know, so it becomes easy for me, even before the same tape has been on repeat for about 3 weeks.

Sometimes, of course, "butt ramming asswhore" doesn't fit perfectly, so you have to adapt it, like "butt-ass ramming asswhore" or something. I choose that one specifically for Kyrie, though it also works well for "Here I Go Again." The point of all this, of course, is that it is fun to replace lyrics in songs, especially when you are bored at work, and especially when you can imagine the really really stupid old woman that you work with hearing you sing the aforementioned lyrics and literally having a heart attack.

I would imagine that her reaction would be something like the reaction of all the old people in Toys R Us the day that Andy pulled his paging routine. I was not pleased with him at the moment, but only because I didnt want him to get me in trouble at work. Legitimately, that was some hilarious shit. "Semen clean-up team to the Barbie aisle" is a line I will not soon forget. Last summer we had some kids in Eagan who seemed to think that Andy was had actually found the Holy Grail of comedy, because they came in to make these pages themselves. They were not as creative, they would usually just find a secluded phone, hit page and say "Poop" or "fuck" or something, but it still rocked. The managers of the store would always get all pissed and get on the pager and say dumb threatening shit but I don't think these kids really cared.

On a completely unrelated note, I would like to give a mad shout-out to the creators of my "Phat Fucking Siznong of the Day" the chick group Play about whom I know nothing. From the video to the tune which wins todays award I have garnered that there are at least three, maybe four young ladies, they rock out, and they are cute. The song is the MTV Hits multiple repeat "I Must Not Chase the Boys." I simply love the MTV Hits Channel. You cannot imagine how much it rocks. Its channel 160 for any fellow Adelphia subscribers out there. For the rest of you it may not be as conveniently packaged with the VH1 MegaHits Channel at 161, but I am sure it is not far away.

These excellent channels have also brought out the video for Liz Phair's "Why Can't I" which I like increasingly more. Totally Avril style, which, in this blog, will always be a compliment. Though I have heard the song before, I really dig this Evanescence featuring Paul McCoy of 12 Stones song. Its like a modern day Meatloaf tune, with a chick as the lead vocalist. I know its just derivative Linkin Park shizzle, but I dig, you sold me Evanescence featuring Paul McCoy of 12 Stones.

I have also seen the video for R. Kelly's ignition several times, the song that Dave Chappelle did the truly excellent parody of on his show, and its good. The song is really quite good, I am downloading more of Chocolate Factory. It also makes me appreciate how good Dave's joke was. If you haven't seen it you should try to get it off Kazaa, search for Dave Chappelle and anything about R. Kelly will give it away. Especially the remix part, it rocks hard.

Alright, Daily Show.



Monday, July 07, 2003

Full Throttle!

So the world has obviously been done a great disservice in my failure to comment on the second in the hopefully long line of the greatest films ever made. I speak, of course, about Charlie's Angels Full Throttle.

In the tradition of the first film the basic idea is simple but incredibly awesome and unbelievably perfectly realized. Three hot chicks, who in some way fit into pretty much every heterosexual man and/or bisexual woman's type, kick ass to techno-y rock music. They employ all these explicitly Matrix style special effects and shit, the chicks flying and doing insane ass shit. The basic point, however, is that someone figured out the simplest basic formula to make blockbuster films. Take chicks, add fighting, music, and stir. It doesn't hurt if you add "bake" into that situation, but I won't go into that, this is a family blog.

There were some great musical scenes in this chapter of the Angels' story as well. They brough back the Prodigy that was so huge in the first movie, this time choosing "Firestarter" ( a tune which was echoed on the screen action by Lucy Liu's homemade flamethrower, it rocked) instead of the classic used in the first film. It also brought some hardcore shit with White Zombie. There were other important ones, but I can't remember them all.

On a sad note, Bosley appears to be a variable category,as the movie made clear. I really really dug Bill Murray in that role, as I tend to in all his roles. Bernie Mac isn't bad either, he has some funny moments, but overall he just can't stack up. I know he is a King of Comedy and all, but fucking Bill Murray owned the Saints. St. Paul represizent.

Overall, I give this film 497,000 stars out of ten. That may seem slightly ridiculous, but keep in mind that by the fifth time I had seen the original Charlie's Angels in the theater it had acheived infinity stars out of ten. By comparison this movie has not even proven itself yet. It passed the "Rock ON!!!" test, whereby a movie has to make me stick my hands in the air to make the ROCK ON gesture at least 5 times. It passed the "So awesome I had to laugh" test, whereby I laugh at inappropriate moments simply because they rock so fucking hard, fight scenes or death shots for instance.

It has several other good things to its credit, good ass humor, good ass shots. It seems that overall the producers of this film, probably mostly Ms. Barrymore, decided that they should just nickname the film "Assy Ass-alot." Bunch of butt jokes, very solid shit.

Katie, who enjoyed the movie shockingly much more than I had ever imagine that she would, noticed several very interesting things as well. For instance, the film did several things to set up for an infinite set of sequels, a very "female-Bond thing" as I thought she rightly put it. I think Katie enjoyed the film, though I did not see her actually make the Rock ON gesture, though, now that I think about it, I don't ever recall seeing Katie make the Rock ON gesture. Even if it was one of my favorite films ever and not one of hers, it worked out, because we saw the film as the second half of a chick summer sequels double-header at the ole Transit Drive-In, the oldest Drive-in theater in the country and about 5 minutes from my front door.

The first half of that double feature was Legally Blonde 2: Red White and Blonde. I like the movie, though it was pretty much an exact copy of the first film. Same jokes and characters but with many different actors. Still funny. Very good. They imply, at the film's conclusion, that there may be a third film. I would like to see it, though I am not sure how long the same material would work.

Anyway, thats all. Suck it. Gonna watch South Park again, for some reason "Uncle Fucker" is an even better song when its on broadcast cable television. I have never seen the word "fuck" on normal cable, it rocks, very hard.



Friday, July 04, 2003

...And the Rockets' Red Glare

Happy Fourth of July ya'll. It was sort of an uneventful and lonely Independence day for me. I was tired as fucking hell yesterday, since Katie left at like 7 in the morning for Wyoming by way of a 3 day stopover in Lincoln to see the Grand padres and such. I don't envy the whole hanging out with little kids part of the weekend, but I do like the vacation aspect. I am sick of Buffalo again and sick of working especially.

Work, of course, was what I did all day during this fourth of July. The Wal-Mart Photo Center was dead, as it always is on Independence Day and for some amazingly ridiculous reason, we were open until the regular time. I worked from noon to nine, alone from 5 onwards. I did, literally, 3 rolls of film during that time. The rest of the time I spent reading my book, Mason and Dixon by Thomas Pynchon. Pynchon is one of those people that I desperately need to read, largely because if I have to have a literary period, which I do I need it to be something I can easily do. That, of course, is 20th Century American literature. I can read the language, I know the history and the culture, and most of the time I have read more of the books already. I don't know much about twentieth century american lit, mind you. I read some contemporary stuff and of course I have read a number of the classics back in high school and stuff.

I've got some Fitzgerald, some Faulkner, some Hemmingway, but by no means and extensive knowledge of any of them. I've read some Vonnegut and Hunter Thompson and Bret Easton Ellis and stuff. It would make for some interesting courses but there are alot of gaps. Now that I found the discount books section at Barnes and Noble I will start reading fiction again, though it still isnt my favorite thing. I would rather have my "literary specialty" in film, but jobs are much less available. I will write my dissertation with films and I have studied them alot more than any specific literature but if I am badly in need of a job there are alot more English departments than there are film, comparative literature, or comm studies combined.

This book is pretty good. Its like a historical re-reading sort of thing, like the I Was Amelia Earhart book Katie and I started reading a while ago. Pynchon has this fictional account of Mason and Dixon and their explorations and stuff, with alot of added sex and shit. I think its pretty good so far, but there is alot of old school vocab and weird spelling and shit. I am gettting used to it, but when all past tense terms are rendered in the apostrophe d sense rather than the "ed" like "render'd" instead of "rendered," it can get a little grating.

Regardless, I read my book at work today. Afterwards I rolled down to UB to check out the Amherst fireworks show. They do it over the little lake on the North Campus (you can see where on the beginning to MTV's Fraternity Life or Sorrority Life Part 2) and they were actually pretty good. I consider myself a minor fireworks gourmet and I would give the show a 8.5. I mean, I have seen some incredible fireworks shows. The St. Louis fireworks were some of the largest in the world, back in the days when the big VP Fair was held over the weekend of the fourth. The town and the organizations that put on the fair would pool their resources and go to fucking town over the River. Fireworks from barges often rock the hardest.

So they open strong, with a number of good little fountains and some pretty colored ones. They had all the classics, chasey ones, designed ones, the ones that turn into other ones. The different ones that crackle, the ones that end with multiple bangy poppers, the ones that glitter on their way down and leave long dangling arms of sparks. I should, at this point, briefly explain the concept of a bangy popper.

The bangy popper is my favorite firework. It is fundamentally a big flash which appears to have a dark circle in the middle followed by an ear shattering boom. There are a number of levels of bangy poppers, there are those which just sort of flash and poof, up to those which are like the drummer from Gwar exploded in mid air while attached to a small hydrogen bomb. I don't know why I selected the drummer from Gwar, he just came to mind. I suppose I could work in the little snake dude that they have eat people at the show, but I would be pushing it, maybe later on. The point is, bangy poppers rock, they are the perfect example of what fireworks are all about, they make a big flash, light up the sky and shake the ground with the type of roar that Madeline Albright might make if she accidentally sat on a vibrating dildo. I don't know why I selected Madeline Albright there, she just came to mind. I suppose I could work in the little gopher dude that she used to have eat people at her parties, but I would be pushing it, maybe later on.

Anyway, the bangy poppers were used well, which means almost all the time. In my perfect fireworks show they would accompany almost every other firework. A pretty shower of purple sparks trailing to the ground, bangy popper, bangy popper, then a red white and blue heart thingy. Just before the finale they set of a series of what must have been about 70 or so bangy poppers right in a fucking row, no intervening shit, I mean, it rocked. It rocked hard. The finale was good, about 5 minutes long in toto, and finished as well with a good series of bangy poppers.

In comparison to Apple Valley, who seems to have an incredible fireworks show, year in and year out, I think UB fell just a little short. In one respect, the fireworks were lower than the AV show. Admittedly, part of that may have been due to the wind, which was really acting up. They did, however, have more creative and gratuitous use of the bangy popper. The show was slightly shorter, about 25 minutes versus the Valley that is Apple who averages near 40. Also, there were way too many fucking people. I mean, way way way fucking fucking fucking toooooooooooooooo many. It was insane. If I didnt know UB parking like I do, the whole getting in and getting out thing would have been a giant pain in the ass. Luckily, with my experience over these amateurs, I rolled the place, getting caught in virtually no traffic either way. I rock, hard, like a hurricaine.

Anyway, I am going to check out Comedy Central's airing of South Park Bigger Longer Uncut. The ads are implying, at least to me, that the movie will not be censored. This makes sense to me, becaue the movie would suck a donkey's balls if they couldnt swear. What would Uncle Fucker even be like if they couldn't swear. It would be like hearing the entirety of an Eminem record on the radio.

Regardless, check you later.