Thursday, July 17, 2003

Stuff and Shit and Stuff

So I think I had like a writing hangover after this Sunday's giganta-entry thing. Overload will do that, at least, overload combined with the lack of a laptop computer. I seriously think about not even checking my email most days, because there is a couch right there which I could easily be sitting on instead of fucking typing away like the world's biggest wad.

For the most part my days continue to be absolutely uneventful. I get up, watch Sportscenter, and go to work. I come home, watch TV for about 2-4 hours and go to sleep. I get to talk to Katie for a while in there, I check my email occassionally, sometimes I cook something. On that last front I am way fucking behind, because I haven't been buying any food, so as to save money and all, and I am running out of useful food products. I realized this morning that I didnt have anything at all to eat yesterday, and I didnt even notice. I didn't even have like a bowl of ice cream or some chips or something. I came home during lunch and found that I was out of bread, so I didnt make a sandwich, I just sat on the couch, watched half an hour of High Fidelity and drank a soda before I went back to work. I got back from work late as fucking hell and sat down to watch Paradise Hotel and then the World Poker Tour, before I knew it, That 70s Show was over and I watched Good Eats and went to sleep. At no point did the concept of food even occur to me. Maybe that means something is wrong. More likely it means that I need to go grocery shopping, but I will wait until Katie gets back and figure out how much money we should spend at the ole Topps.

Good Eats was interesting yesterday, one I had never seen, on Casseroles. AB put out some solid shit, but nothing too difficult. For instance, his chicken pot pie, which did look much much better than any such product I have ever seen, but nothing ridiculous. The show is still ridiculously entertaining, AB should have his own fucking network. I continue to not believe that I do not have the Good Eats DVDs, if that trend continues to the point of my birthday they become number one on the list. I could watch every fucking episode over and over and over again and never ever ever get bored with it, it is definatively the world's best cooking show and one of the best shows ever made. He made a "leftover Chinese Food casserole which appeared to be a tasty way to deal with random leftovers and a broccoli/mushroom combination which I would like better were one to substitue in some cauliflower or even lots of onions for the mushrooms. The chicken pot pie was really easy and I think I will whip it up at somepoint soon, good gravy, fresh veggies, and flavorful chicken. The interesting part of the show was that Alton explicitly responded to the "cream of mushroom soup" trend so popular amongst hotdish purveyors and refused to utilize the product, both for health and taste reasons. Regardless, it was quite funny.

So there is this little kid who lives in the building next door to mine, but because it seems to be the hip thing for all the kids to do these days he tends to hang out at my building with all the other fucking little kids. I don't really get it, but whatever. I didn't grow up in or around apartment buildings, and the whole concept of living in or near one as a child is weird to me. It must really suck. For that reason I give these kids alot of leeway, and don't let it annoy me that they are always in the hallways and the parking lot and are being loud and stupid and annoying. Regardless, this one little kid comes up to me the other day and asks me if I can play ball with him. Of course I don't want to play ball with him (I don't know what this game entailed really, he had a basketball, but there wasn't a hoop in sight) but I am just about to smoke a cigarette, putting my in a sticky situation. There did not appear to be any other little kids around, so he threw the ball to me and I threw it back for about 5 minutes as I finished my cigarette. It was weird and uncomfortable, but whatever. Then the kid looks in my car as I go to walk in the building and sees the M+Ms that have been sitting there since like October. He asks, not so subtley, if he could have some. I gave him some, obviously, I wasn't using them. The next day and the next, however, he was sitting on the fucking step looking like he was waiting for me to fucking get there, and immediately as I did he ran over to my car and asked for more M+Ms. This seems to me like very weird behavior, if not outride rude. Its not like I give a fuck, obviously, he is free to ask me for candy, I don't care. Nonetheless, I don't know that most people would appreciate such a straightforward approach. I simply don't really like dealing with little kids, they make me uncomfortable. The whole situation was fucking weird. Luckily I am now out of candy in my car, there is no risk of dealing with him tonight.

I also get these paranoid delusions that his parents or someone are going to call the cops on me for giving him candy, like I had poisoned them or coated them in liquid acid. I haven't done anything wrong, obviously, its just fucking candy that has probably melted in the sun, but nonetheless, an early 20s guy who does not look altogether so respectable handing candy out to little kids seems sketchy in my mind, even if they did ask for it. I checked ou the window every like 20 minutes the first night to make sure they weren't staking out my pad, watching me concoct my sinister candy coated chocolates at the kitchen table which doubled as a meth lab. The kitchen table of course, does not double as a meth lab, but its a paranoid delusion, I can pretend its a fucking meth lab if I want to.

I am so sick of going to work. On the bright side, I have a somewhat regular schedule which is divided so that I never have to work more than three days in a row, and I get Monday and Fridays off. That kind of rocks, I like it, even though it means I never have more than one day off at a time. I desperately need the rest however, my back cannot fucking handle being at Wal-Mart more than those three days. I need an entire 24 or so hours to simply lay on the couch to recover. I am thinking about going gambling tomorrow, just taking like 5 dollars and playing nickel video poker for a couple hours, not that I would win anything anyhow. At the very least it would get me out of the house for some reason besides work or food, the only two times I have left since Katie took off for Wyoming. I may at least drive up to the casino and look around, its only like 20 miles away and I havent even been up there. From everything I have heard its a decent sized joint, it has 95 tables and a couple thousand slots. Craps, roulette, carribean stud, blackjack, and pai gow. I don't think they have a poker room, though they do at Seneca Gaming, which is about 40 minutes south of here. I really want to play poker, but I simply don't have enough money. I actually just really want to play poker with my homies, but of course, my homies are all back in my hood, and I am alone in Suckalo. I have definatively been watching too much of the World Poker Tour. Even though, admittedly, it is a great program.

So I took an alternate route through the Wal-Mart to get back to the lab today and ran into the best product ever made. There was a big display of them sitting in the pharmacy and the sign simply says VCF. Before you read further, think about what VCF might be, think about it. You nailed it dizneuce, it is Vaginal Cleansing Film. I laughed out loud looking at it. I studied the display a little harder. Apparently, if one uses this Vaginal Cleansing Film it eliminates the need for either douching or feminine hygeine spray. It appears that VCF is essentially a breath strip (you know those little Listerine or Icebreakers strips you dissolve in your mouth for wintery fresh breath) for your vagina. I don't know if you just lay it on top there or if you like roll it up and shove it in, but either way its awesome.

I had two distinct thoughts about VCF. The first is that it would be sweet if it really was just Listerine Power Pack Strips in a different package. The company would have however many women purchase VCF putting ice breakers in their genitals and I think its hilarious. Eventually it would get out and people would just purchase the altoids version for a superior cleansing. "Oh my Caroline, your vagina has a curiously strong freshness..."

The second thought followed of course, which was trying to determine the best slogan for such a product. Obviously we have the Altoids "curiously strong" thing going, but I was going to try to go with the x-treme advertising products like icebreakers tend to go with. My favorite is still "Vaginal Cleansing Film...STICK IT TO YOUR SNATCH!!" On the commercial, of course, the last part would be read by some loud bold voice like from a Mountain Dew commercial or some shit. Maybe the dude from the Slim Jim ads who was like "Eat Me!!" I continue to laugh everytime I think about this commercial. Maybe it could start out just like a Summer's Eve commercial, in a fresh meadow or something. Then this chick could come through it hauling ass on an ATV (ass-transport vehicle) and do like a flip in the air, fall off her Yamaha and land in a patch of daisies. Then she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pack of VCF and we get a shot of the woman from the waist up. She pulls a strip out of the VCF PocketPak and holds it up to the camera. Maybe a voice over extolling the virtues of cleansing one's vagina with a strip and then the woman shoves it where it belongs (we don't get to see that part, obviously, disphit, but we understand) and the camera starts spinning all x-treme like. Maybe a bright light, some neon flowers instead of the ordinary daisies. Then all of a sudden she is back on the ATV and she executes some incredible move before the logo shows up on the screen: "VCF: STICK IT TO YOUR SNATCH!!" Damn I love that slogan. Fuck this whole PhD thing, I should go into marketing. As long as we are dealing with slogans that involve slang terms for genitalia I am pure gold.

I think it would be funny to capture a frog and name him "The Ballad of Jom Toad."

I think that pen15 should become an officially accepted spelling of penis.

I think that Trinidad and Tobago should quit fucking around and just have one name.

I think that name should be A'ss'vill'e.

I like apostrophes.

Sometimes I wonder, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Then I think that, most likely, a woodchuck would chuck all the wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Other times I wonder what exactly that rhyme assumes "chucking" to be in the context of wood and whether it involves the butt.

The words pondering and pandering are too similar.

Why is it that the two cutest species of bear are not actually bears? I think someone wanted the bear family to be known as cuter, maybe to solve the bad rep that grizzlies had been getting, so they tried to annex the koala and the panda.

Cassiopeia is a lame constellation.

Anchovies! More like Papa Smurf!!

Tubas would sound cooler if they had a little ball in the horn that rolled around when you blew into it like a whistle.

If you were Al Pacino and you had to have sex with one member of the New Kids on the Block, I think you should choose Jordan Knight.

If you were Al Pacino and you had to have sex with one TV show about helicopters, I think you should choose Blue Thunder.

I challenge you to a game of horseshoes; A GAME OF HORSESHOES!!

There is this one Pantera song where at the end they are just repeating this kick ass little riff and the lead singer is just like "Fuckin' A" and then they do the riff one more time and the song ends. That is a cool way to end a song.

Peace,

MB-K

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