Things that Suck

In first place, alternators. I mean, fundamentally I understand that without an alternator all the electronic elements of my car wouldn't really work. I applaud the effort the alternator puts into transforming kinetic energy to electrical energy, its an admirable move, but fundamentally the way it breaks down really pisses me off. I had a new alternator and battery and shit put into my car on January 20th of 2003. Its not like I just went to Mike's Discount Auto-Shit and had them steal an alternator from an '85 Yugo, I went to Sears and they are at least supposed to know what the fuck they are doing. Jump ahead 14 months...

So Katie picks me up on Wednesday after my lecture and we get on the road. She mentions to me, not that I would know what the fuck to do anyway, that when she accelerates the battery light comes on. We looked in the manual and it just said that we should look at the alternator belt (sure, I know where that is, no problem, the alternator belt, its a commonsense item, like a fucking tire, I can probably just figure it out...) and if that isn't it then get it checked out. Well, we decide to get it checked in St. Paul. So we got on the road. I fell asleep in the backseat, as planned, and Katie took the first leg of the trip. I woke up when the car stopped, unexpectedly, for a longer time then I would expect at a toll booth. I sat up to see that we were at a gas station just outside of Cleveland. The whole electrical system had shut down, for the most part completely. We got a jump and were lucky to make it to a Sears Auto Center that was extraordinarily nearby.

Katie had, by the grace of God-knows-what, been able to maneuver us off the highway 2 miles from a Sears and next to a Motel 6. So we dropped the car off, not that we had any option, and hoofed it over to Tom Bodett's place. At least we got to watch the American Idol results show and learn that three of the right people and John-Fucking-Peter-Fucking-Lewis made it to the top 12. This dude has no chance at all, by the way. His voice sucks. He is kind of entertaining when he just acts like a Wilking-style fuckstick, but in general just a moron. He "sang" Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation" and essentially just spoke the lyrics, maybe rapped them. Somehow America decided that we needed a decent looking blond curly-haired putz in the top 12 or it just wouldn't be complete.

We found the next morning that the alternator had gone out again, that it was for some reason really fucking defective. We had to pay 80 bucks for the labor and 20 bucks for the "serpentine belt" (which I think is just a belt that looks like a snake, which I think is a good idea to aid the average person in understanding their car. Make everything look like an animal and name it after that creature. "It looks like my moose-erator went out, but the porcupine switch isn't in great shape either") which I think was an ass-job since the alterator was only one third through its warranty. Doesn't this just give them an incentive to jack me on the parts so they can charge me to put new crappy parts in. Whatever. That 100 plus the 50 for the hotel room (a little less, but you include the Snickers with Almonds that I needed to survive the expereince) makes a significant dent in our collective wallet, but we will get by.

So now we are home. Its actually Tuesday at the moment, sorry jeuce, I told you I wouldn't get to update often. Anyway, we have been home for half a week, seen some people, partied a little, ate some good food, relaxed, and done wedding shiz. We spoke to the priest who is doing the ceremony, we have some music going down and tomorrow I have at least a couple of further photographia related experiments. I know that it is ridiculous that we still haven't booked one of the major vendors, but I guess we will recover.

I have been intending to put up some extemp questions, but I really need to have internet access while I do that, and since I am too fucking cheap and-or poor to fork out the 30 bucks necessary for a wireless card at Best Buy this week I am sitting at Borders without access to the netterweb while I wait for Katie to finish up her shift at the Herbergers. Anyway, I don't pay enough attention to the news to do them off the top of my head. I do, however, wish to create my own "Blog Survey" which are all the rage these days. These are the random things where you post a list of your answers to random stupid questions. I think mine has the ability to revolutionize internet journaling as we know it. Without further ado (or even adue, or adieux) I give you the First Annual Mike Baxter Stupid Fucking Blog Questionniare:

What is your real name:

What would your real name be if you replaced all the letters in your name with the word "buttsex":

If you had to choose between having your name spelled with "buttsex" replacing all the letters but being pronounced in the same way your name is currently pronounced or having your name spelled as it currently is and being pronounced "buttsex-buttsex-buttsex..." which would you choose:

Do you feel that your right arm is more accurately represented by a black bear then your right ankle is by a manatee:

Name two things:

Would you rather say hippopotamus or play hippopotamus:

My favorite song about being a genie in a bottle:

My favorite episode of Martha Stewart Living:

The best story I have ever heard that involves urination:

The best story I have ever heard that involves Andy Kemp (if different from above):

If you only got to eat one egg roll or were forced to eat 100 egg rolls which would you choose:

Favorite song by Shaqulle O'Neal:

Favorite hair color on Julia Roberts:

Favorite hair color on poodles:

Would you rather lick a toad to get high or just for the pleasure of licking a toad:

If no one had ever told you differently, would you believe that not only are there no terrapins in Maryland, but that terrapin is actually just another name for burrito:

Do you want a burrito:

Will you bring me one:

From Chipotle:

Weak:

Which two adjectives starting with the letter "P" describe the last person you saw:

If you could invent a cherry flavored pretzel but never eat any or eat all the cherry pretzels you want but have eyes that look like dandelions which would you choose:

Best song by LFO:

Would it be cooler if LFO stood for Lotsa Fuckin Oreos or Limiting Frank's Octagons:

My Little Ponies actually hate it when you brush them, so don't think you are so goddamn smart:

If Kid Rock isn't the greatest musician of our generation then why did you tell me that you thought he was, just yesterday, were you lying to me:

Sexiest Disney character that isn't human:

Something that sounds like a sex toy but isn't:

If your blog turned into a small Latvian man named Geheezenbotto would you still update about the time when you saw Winona Ryder at Wendys:

Do you think we have the technology to reverse the process whereby we currently dip Wendy's french fries into a frosty and make it so we could dip sticks of frosty into a cup full of semi-liquid fried potato:

So, if the customer is ALWAYS right, what happens if I tell you that I am wrong--then you got yourself a little paradox there:

If your computer took on the personality of one historical figure who would it be:

Same with your toaster:

Which one of the Spice Girls should be Britain's next Prime Minister:

What song most reminds you of Betty White having sex with two guys, one girl, and a pizza place:

Congratulations. That completes the first installment. If nothing else I think it has really warmed me up for an extemp questions writing session at somepoint soon.

If you want your bloggedy-following to more truly understand you, I recommend you cut and paste from above, post it in your blog, and email it to your boss, your parents, and the first 25 people in alphabetical order whose email addreses end with "@bethel.edu" I suppose I should probably fill it out as well, so here we go:

What is your real name: Mike Baxter

What would your real name be if you replaced all the letters in your name with the word "buttsex": Buttsexbuttsexbuttsexbuttsex Buttsexbuttsexbuttsexbuttsexbuttsexbuttsex

If you had to choose between having your name spelled with "buttsex" replacing all the letters but being pronounced in the same way your name is currently pronounced or having your name spelled as it currently is and being pronounced "buttsex-buttsex-buttsex..." which would you choose: Call me buttsex, because filling out "Buttsexbuttsexbuttsexbuttsex Buttsexbuttsexbuttsexbuttsexbuttsexbuttsex" on a bubble-test or driver's license form would suck.

Do you feel that your right arm is more accurately represented by a black bear then your right ankle is by a manatee: yes

Name two things:Dweezil Zappa and toothpaste

Would you rather say hippopotamus or play hippopotamus:play hippopotamus

My favorite song about being a genie in a bottle: Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera

My favorite episode of Martha Stewart Living: the one where Martha makes decorative placemats by wrapping rubber bands around a rolling pin, cutting designs into them, rubbing them in ink and rolling them accross paper

The best story I have ever heard that involves urination: Andy Kemp urinating on someone's drunk friend who is passed out in the parking lot and getting beaten so badly he went to the hospital--this one isn't even close

The best story I have ever heard that involves Andy Kemp (if different from above): see above or elsewhere in this blog

If you only got to eat one egg roll or were forced to eat 100 egg rolls which would you choose: 100, I would egg roll them

Favorite song by Shaqulle O'Neal: Shoot, Pass, Slam by Shaquille O'Neal

Favorite hair color on Julia Roberts: Red

Favorite hair color on poodles: surprisingly, also red

Would you rather lick a toad to get high or just for the pleasure of licking a toad: high

If no one had ever told you differently, would you believe that not only are there no terrapins in Maryland, but that terrapin is actually just another name for burrito: people have told me differently, and I still think so

Do you want a burrito: kinda

Will you bring me one: maybe

From Chipotle: dude, Chipotle is a long ways from Borders in Midway and I don't have a car

Weak: go fuck yourself

Which two adjectives starting with the letter "P" describe the last person you saw: purple and Pakistani

If you could invent a cherry flavored pretzel but never eat any or eat all the cherry pretzels you want but have eyes that look like dandelions which would you choose: I don't think cherry pretzels sound very good, so I would invent them

Best song by LFO: Every other Time by LFO (a darkhorse)

Would it be cooler if LFO stood for Lotsa Fuckin Oreos or Limiting Frank's Octagons: oreos, even though I am sick of Frank's ridiculous octagon intake

My Little Ponies actually hate it when you brush them, so don't think you are so goddamn smart: fuck

If Kid Rock isn't the greatest musician of our generation then why did you tell me that you thought he was, just yesterday, were you lying to me: you caught me

Sexiest Disney character that isn't human: Sebastian from the Little Mermaid

Something that sounds like a sex toy but isn't: a tuba

If your blog turned into a small Latvian man named Geheezenbotto would you still update about the time when you saw Winona Ryder at Wendys: hell yes

Do you think we have the technology to reverse the process whereby we currently dip Wendy's french fries into a frosty and make it so we could dip sticks of frosty into a cup full of semi-liquid fried potato: no, but I am working on it

So, if the customer is ALWAYS right, what happens if I tell you that I am wrong--then you got yourself a little paradox there: fuck

If your computer took on the personality of one historical figure who would it be: Billy Bob Thorton

Same with your toaster: Beethoven

Which one of the Spice Girls should be Britain's next Prime Minister: Baby

What song most reminds you of Betty White having sex with two guys, one girl, and a pizza place: Everywhere You Look, the themesong from Full House

I could just keep babbling on and on about the Golden Girls doing perverted stuff, but I don't really feel like it and Katie is almost done with work. I will post this when I get a chance and start cracking on the extemp questions. I will defeat Chris McDonald and his evil extemporaneous empire yet again. Katie told me that she couldn't really tell if Doobs' extemp questions were really any better than anybody elses, I told her that they are extemp questions and unless they are written by me they can all line up behind the nearest 7-11 and take a flying fuck at the wall. I didn't really tell her that, but it would have been hella witty. I have to work on that.

Peace,

MB-K