Balls, Chains, and Andy Kemp

So Katie gets home last night and we go to sleep pretty early. In all honesty, Katie was tired, I had been at work all day, we hung around for a couple hours and both pretty much passed out around 12 or 12:30. My sister and my mom had been here for the past couple days and I did more on my Thursday off than I have done, well, pretty much ever.

The point is, we were asleep. So around 2:45 my phone rings. I slap my hand all over the various debate tubs whioh serve as my bedside table. I locate the phone and in my sleeping stupor I look at the Caller ID. Rather than indicating "Bio-sis" (Andy's Biological Sister) or "Andy Kemp" or "Andy RW" or "Andy Kansas" or "Andy J" (which is only when Andy Kemp uses Andy J's cell phone to call me at 3 in the fucking morning) the phone informs me that I am receiving a call from the cellular telephone of a Mr. Peter Nikolai.

This perplexes my now slightly more awakened brain. Why, I wonder, would Pete be calling me at this time of night. Why would Pete even be up this late. I think about whether or not I know any other Pete's and why they would be calling me. My phone stops ringing. After I have been asleep for a couple hours I lose my ability to wake up until I have gotten at least 5-6 hours. So I went back to sleep. I heard my phone beep to announce I had a message. My normal assumption at this time of the night is that if anyone really needs me then they will call me back. The secondary assumption involved in this is that no matter what name shows up on my caller ID at three in the morning the person on the other line is always Andy Kemp. Its shocking how many times this has proven true. Some especially notable instances:

-Katie is at CEDA nationals, I had talked to her earlier and she indicated that she was going to sleep, she called at three in the morning. I answered, it was Andy. It turns out Katie let him into her room with some hoochie momma from Northwestern and he stole her phone and called me after Katie went back to sleep. He made me talk to this random chica from Evanston for like 10 minutes.

-my dad had been going back and forth between MPLS and Green Bay because my Grandmother was not in good shape-so I get a call from my parents house and assume that something bad has happened. Again, near three in the morning-this too was Andy. I have no idea, to this day, how he called me from my parents house. I assume he was there with my bro or something, but he was so wasted that I actually could not communicate with him. He just kept screaming and talking about Nikki's anatomy.

I am sure there are others. Regardless, my unspoken assumption turned out to be right again in this case. I got another call from Pete's house and this time woke up enough to realize that it was Saturday, the night of Pete's bachelor party, and hence it likely was Andy Kemp calling me on Pete's phone, as he is want to do.

I flipped my pillow over, put my phone on silent, and went back to the sack. I don't know how many more times he called, but there were two messages this morning. The first one reminded me of many an Andy style message, it was random, mainly incomprehensible, included references to my lack of masculinity, his own endowment, how many intoxicants had been consumed, various Richter-ian orifices, and the like. I laughed and deleted the message.

The next one however, I kept. I have listened to it like three times, and it is hilarious. Its a combination of true Andy Kemp rare form and some increasingly rare, Pete Nikolai rare form. Among the elements which made this message truly stand out were:

-the creation of, what to me at least, is entirely new vaginal slang: pooter-patter

-call back to the "ATV-ass transport vehicle"-which I had not remembered for many years

-new variations on Baxter including "Back-stair"

-dialogue with Andy about Groven and such

This message officially enters the greatest message ever hall of fame, which contains several other notables. Number one and two will be briefly detailed:

1) "Chicken Noodle Rape" -Kevin Roverud: I would have released this as a single in Europe if I had the opportunity. It was a combination of Kevin and a computer which Kevin had programmed repeating the words "chicken noodle rape" in various orders. It lasted at least two minutes. I fell over laughing the first time I heard it. The best portion was the 20 second "noodle" solo which was simply Kevin and the computer saying "noodle" in harmony over and over again.

2) "Auld Lang Queer"-Andy Kemp: Andy is very close to number one with this call. If it had been a little more rehearsed it would easily have the one spot, and as time goes by this call may overtake Kevin's most brilliant moment. This call was, of course, made around 3 in the morning and I listened to it after I taught the next morning. Laughed very very openly standing outside Clemmens Hall. The message was Andy's version of Auld Lang Syne, which amounts simply to the melody of Auld Lang Syne and slang words for "homosexual" and then various terms like "pooter patter" (ie: male or female genitalia) subsituted in.

Anyway. I think Katie and I are going to go see Alex and Emma. More later.

Peace,

MB-K